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18 Aug

I tend to be a bit of a trailer junkie when it comes to movies.  I’ll get bored every month or so and will go and look at all the trailers that Apple has up and see what strikes my fancy.  When I first saw the trailer for Lucy I just knew that it was going to be right up my alley.  There’s a little bit of action, Scarlett Johansson gets to be a bad ass, some cool science-y stuff going on, what’s not to love right?  Well, apparently no, that’s not really what the movie is about.  I apologize if some things are a bit out of order.  If you see it or have seen it… you will understand why.

The movie starts off with Lucy, no not the Scarlett Johansson character, the first “human”.  The little ape thing is sitting drinking water from a stream.  There’s then a voice over by Johansson that talks about what have humans done in all their existence and lots of sped up video of traffic and people in an Asian city.  Then we come to Lucy, this time the Scarlett Johansson character, and her douchey boyfriend Richard.  I’m surprised I remember his name partly because he’s a general tool bag and also because well he dies 5 minutes later.  Douchard wants her to take a case of something into this office building to give it to Mr. Jang.  He doesn’t know what’s in it and he doesn’t want to take it in because he’s scared so he handcuffs it to Lucy, forcing her to take it in.  As she’s standing in the lobby asking for Mr. Jang there are flashes between her and a scene of a cheetah hunting a gazelle.  This parallels her being hunted by the body guards for this supposed Mr. Jang (so artsy!).  They shoot the boyfriend and cart her up the stairs and into a room.  It’s clear by this point that this Lucy is a little pathetic in a way.  By the time they get her upstairs she’s a bit of a blubbing mess.  I think it bothers me more because I’m so used to seeing her kick ass.


Once in the room, Lucy promptly throws up (though it didn’t seem too realistic) because there are some dead bodies in the bathroom.  Mr. Jang comes out of the bathroom, hands covered in blood.  One of his lackeys pours a bottle of Evian over his hands so he can clean them.  Yes, it was Evian.  The bottle was positioned so the label could easily be read.  Great marking ploy there Evian!  After that fun little bit, Mr. Jang asks Lucy what’s in the case.  The kicker here is he doesn’t speak English so he uses a phone service to translate for him.  Perhaps he has his own special line for his murdering and drug dealing?  He gives her the code to open it and leaves the room while his guards pull out shields.  He really must not trust Richard, seems I was right on the douche part.  She gathers up her courage and opens up the case.  Unfortunately it doesn’t explode, so the movie continues…  Inside are pouches of the blue powder that we’ve seen in the trailer.  The next step is obviously to test the drug.  Mr. Jang brings out a drugged out guy and makes him snort some.  This takes a good deal of work because he is completely out of his mind.  After the dude snorts up the magic blue crystals, he flips out a bit and then just starts laughing before being shot in the head.  Alright… that explained a lot.

While this is going on, Morgan Freeman, Professor Norman in this movie, is giving a lecture to a big audience about the brain’s capacity.  Now I know the whole “you only use 10% of your brain” is bull, but I rolled with it for the movie.  He gives theories that at 20% you can control your own appearance and 40% other people and at 100%, who knows!  In bits of his lecture though there are more clips of animals and such.  The most memorable being when he talked about reproduction to pass on genes.  Yep there was some mild animal porn going on in the middle of the movie.  Yey animal porn.

Now that we have our weird mystery drug.  Lucy gets knocked out and wakes up with a bandage around her middle.  The bad guys throw her some random clothes and take her into a fancy suite with a dragon sculpture on the ceiling.  Three other dudes are brought in that have apparently had the same thing done.  Next enters a guy who actually speaks English.  He explains that the drug is called CPH4, but doesn’t say what it does, just that it will be a hit with the kids in Europe.  Each person has one of the pouches of blue stuff in their abdomen and is given a fake passport to travel to different parts of Europe.  Here come the bags over their heads (because that’s totally not suspicious looking right?) and off they go.

The handlers for Lucy, however, aren’t very smart.  Since she’s a purty lady one guy gets handsy and she fights back a bit.  This sends him into a blind rage (anger management dude, seriously) and he kicks her repeatedly in the stomach before the other guy pulls him off and they both leave with Lucy chained to the wall.  This is where the shit gets weird.  Things have been strange up to this point, but this part is just plain weird.  There’s a cool animation of the drug entering her blood stream just before the poltergeist comes out.  Lucy starts spasming and twitching on the floor having a seizure.  This progresses to her standing up against the wall.   But oh… now she’s in the fetal position on the wall.  Wait… what? Is that the floor? Nope, that’s definitely the wall.  Completely not touching the floor.  Oh look now she’s working her way onto the ceiling.  Then trying to pull herself back to the ground with the chain and then she collapses and is sucked against the wall.  Alrighty then…  I assume she passed out a bit at this point.  We get a screen that says 20%.

When she wakes up, there’s one fluid motion where she grabs a chair, turns it right side up, and sits in it.  In comes random bad guy who thinks he can get some only to have his ass handed to him by super Lucy.  She takes his gun, marches out, shoots all the other bad guys, and then eats all their food.  Someone’s got the munchies!  It’s clear at this point she is no longer the Lucy from the start of the movie.  She has no emotion, no reactions to things; she becomes very robotic and almost inhuman in a way.  After the noms, she goes out and gets a cab driver to take her to the hospital.  Here is where she does some of the impossible; she walks around the hospital with a gun.  Really? She does not even try to hide it would no one really notice this?  Suddenly she can now read Chinese, or whatever language it may be, and finds an operating room.  The poor surgeon and crew are just shocked telling her “Ma’am you can’t be in here!”  Lucy ignores them and looks at the patient’s x-ray.  Using her new super powers she determines that the patient is going to die anyway, so she shoots him.  How merciful right?  She then demands the surgeon take the drugs out of her at gun point.  While the doctor is doing his work, Lucy decides this is the perfect time to call her mother.  She tells her mother how much she loves her and all the new things she can feel, including old memories.  The TMI moment is when she tells her mother that she can remember the taste of her breast milk.  All the while a little Asian man is pulling a pouch of illegal drugs out of her stomach.

Now that the drugs are out, what oh what should she do?  Revenge of course!  She heads back to bad guy headquarters and shoots all of Mr. Jang’s guards.  Once there, she shoos away his tattoo artist and stabs him in the hands.  Shooting him is too good for him I suppose, but she’s going to talk at him for a while.  Now, Mr. Jang doesn’t speak or understand any English, so I imagine the whole situation is very confusing for him.  Super Lucy interrupts his tattoo, stabs him, and starts jabbering.  She wants information about where the other drug mules had been sent, but since he doesn’t speak English, this is kind of pointless.  However, she is not part Vulcan and does a mind meld type thing to get the information out of him.  I mean of course she can do that now right?!

After she’s done, she decides the next place to go is her house.  Her roommate lets her in and talks about a date she had all while Lucy uses her laptop to do some crazy typing and reading.  She then calls Professor Norman from the computer, because oh by the way, she can do that now too.  She talks to him about his research and wanting to meet, makes the lights flicker and do some weird stuff with his radio and that’s it.  Her main concern here is that she has all this knowledge but isn’t sure what to do with it and she is asking him for advice.  He tells her that she should figure out how to pass it on.  She seems to think that’s a good idea and tells him she’ll be there in 9 hours.  Professor Norman is a little weirded out by the whole situation.  It seems very similar to a ghost movie, except a little more sciency.  Before she leaves the apartment though she gives her roommate a prescription and tells her that her kidneys are failing and she needs to change her lifestyle.  Random, but maybe she isn’t a complete robot yet?

Off she goes to the airport; she changes her hair since the police are looking for her for shooting the patient in the OR.  I think it would have been cool if she had changed all her looks for a while, but that would have required another actress.  While getting her tickets she calls a random cop in Paris.  I assume she knows that he is some sort of expert.  She gets his attention by knowing things about him that she shouldn’t be able to (oo he has a red pen on his desk!) and gives him the information to catch the other three dudes with drugs in them.   I think she was around 30% here, I really don’t remember when the different percents happened.  The police catch them all and Lucy is on the plane to get the rest of the drugs.  It’s not really clear why she wants them, that is until a super weird scene on the airplane.  She’s using two computers, with one hand on each typing at an insane rate.  The stewardess tells her it’s time to close them and gets a nosebleed for some reason, so Lucy asks for some champagne.  When she takes a sip, a tooth falls out in the glass.  Because molars totally fall out like that.  A cough and more teeth come out in her hands. This is where shit really hits the fan.  Her skin starts vaporizing and she’s really tripping out.  It’s hard to tell if the other people in the plane can see it or are just freaked out because she is flipping her shit.  She locks herself in the bathroom.  In the mirror you see her eyes are starting to droop and her cells are flying off.  She is literally coming to pieces so the obvious to answer is to chow down on some more of the blue stuff and poof she is back to normal.

Upon landing though, she is detained and knocked out.  The doctor said she should be out all day from what he gave her, silly him, he doesn’t know she can control her own metabolism!  Out she walks into a hallway full of police.  She asks to talk to the cop alone, but everyone has guns pointed at her.  With a wave of her hand, she makes everyone else pass out and drops the bullets out of his gun.  Here she has reached 40%.  She tells him she needs to get the other drugs and they get in his car and off they go.  While sitting in the car, at an absurdly long stop light I might add, she is looking through people’s cell phone data.  There is a neat scene where you see all these streams going up into the sky, but then she finds Mr. Jang’s cell phone and realizes they are sending people into the hospital to get the drugs back.  She takes over the car and drives like a crazy person, mostly up one way streets, to get to the hospital.  Lots of other cars crash and flip, but’s of no concern to her right now.  So maybe she doesn’t care much anymore.  They get to the hospital where Mr. Jang’s people have recovered two of the pouches of drugs.  She does some of her magic which turns the one guy into a mime when he tries to run away and floats the rest.  Fuck gravity man, it’s such a downer anyways.  She takes the case of drugs, rips the last pouch out of the last mule’s stomach and she’s ready to go.  The cop asks why she needs him and she gives him a very impassioned, and almost depressing, kiss and says “To remind me” and walks away.

Off they go to meet Professor Norman with all the drugs.  Mr. Jang happens to see them and follows and he is quite pissed off at this point.  Lucy meets Professor Norman at a university and they happen to have a lot of random lab equipment that is never really used.  They talk a bit and the cop is sent to setup a defense because bad guys are coming.  Tons of cops flood through the front of the building while the bad guys on the other side of the street are loading up their guns.  Neither group noticed each other.  The bad guys casually walk in and shoot up the place.  During this time Lucy is talking with the group of scientist explaining what the meaning of life is, which ends up being time.  Without time nothing exists.  Okay, that’s not too weird I guess.  There’s the reference to a video of a car and if you play it faster and faster at infinity the car will disappear.  After the gun shots happen, they decide to get to work.  Lucy decides she needs to take all of the drugs at once to get her to the last few percent to reach 100% of her brain capacity.  I don’t remember where she reaches other percents past 40, but the last scene is where she goes the last 20% or so.

To take all the drugs, they mix the drugs in water and give them too her in an IV.  This pushes her to 99% and she makes the room completely white and starts building a crazy futuristic super computer.  Outside the room, the cops are fighting the bad guys but one bad guy grabs a random rocket launcher thing and shoots one into the room.  This interrupts Lucy and she starts teleporting to random places.  She’s at the Eiffel tower, then some random cliffs over the ocean, then Time Square.  Its here she realizes she can control time, forward or backward.  She reverses time and you see New York City de-evolve.  She stops at a few points through history.  One you see an old timey New York City, another time a group of very surprised Native Americans, and the last time in front of a raptor.  The raptor lunging at her makes her jump and she teleports through time and space and is now sitting in front of the Lucy primate we saw at the start of the movie.  She reaches out and touches fingers with the freaked out primate (which is similar to the ceiling of the Sistine chapel which was a scene shown at the start of the movie) and then she is zapped again.  This time we have time going back farther, you see earth change to molten lava and then meteoroids coming out of the crust and it goes backwards more to what I can only assume is the big bang.  While this is happening in Lucy’s mind she is still sitting in her office chair in the middle of the room.  Most of the cops have been shot and Mr. Jang makes his way into the room with his gun pointed at her head.  Blackness is creeping over Lucy’s body as Jang approaches, ready to kill her.  But just as he pulls the trigger she hits 100% and just vanishes.  He shoots at the empty space and flips his shit, which I think most anyone would do if the person in front of you vanished and their clothes fell to the floor.  In comes the cop Lucy had called and he kills Mr. Jang who just happens to fall perfectly into the empty office chair.  Still standing however is the giant weird super computer that Lucy created.  One of the scared scientists remarks that it is moving and out pops a very large flash drive.  It is no ordinary flash drive though, its surface looks like space and it contains all the knowledge that Lucy accumulated from being able to use all of her brain.  Once Professor Norman takes the flash drive the super computer disintegrates and that’s pretty much the end of the movie.

Now, does anyone else feel like they just came too from a really bad trip?  Okay good so it’s not just me.  I had gone to see this movie with a friend.  He really wanted to see it so I tagged along.  Even though he loves weird shit, he even found this weirder than he even expected.  Someone in the theater actually turned around and looked at us at the end with a “What the fuck just happened” expression.  It was nothing like the trailer had made it out to be, likely because no one would have wanted to see it otherwise.  It definitely came off as more of a bad-ass action movie with a touch of super-hero-ness to it.  Now there were some parts that I liked, but the whole movie just seemed like a grab bag of stuff, especially when it came to science related things.  I’m not really even sure what to say about the movie besides that it was weird.  The first thing I did think was that Sharknado 2 (which I have been adamantly avoiding) probably has a more cohesive plot and not be as fucking weird as Lucy was.

As far as a rating… well maybe a 2? I don’t even know.  It’s hard to rate something that you don’t even know what you watched.